How to have fun with a monster truck

Ever sat in a traffic jam and fantasised about flying? I have…just soaring above the road and towards my destination whilst leaving my heap of steel by the wayside. This is why it’s probably a terrible idea for me to ever own a monster truck. Apart from the fact that I could never afford the car insurance I really don’t think that I would be able to trust myself to behave sensibly…the temptation of rumbling away over the tightly packed bonnets that stretch out in front of me at road works/ London’s rush hour/ motorway holiday runs would be too much to bear. Hearing sunroofs crack and tyres burst would -I imagine - be somewhat like popping bubble wrap…quite effortless and somehow satisfying but with more of a point to it.

I’m not crazy, although I know a few of you reading this might have already assumed that I am - I can assure you otherwise. Who hasn’t ever watched a monster truck rally without exclaiming something along the lines of “ooh I wonder what it would be like to drive one of those”? Well I have wondered too but just in more depth.

Say for instance, that you could have a monster truck so big that you could lay down in its tyre tread without being squashed. Imagine the fun you could have careering over sand dunes and fields, through rivers and lakes or up mountains! Alright I admit that It might not be extremely environmentally friendly (please don’t throw verbal eggs at me) but it also might be the most fun that you could ever have on four wheels so in my opinion…totally worth it as long as you watch out for the cows.

I’d take mine to the airport and use it to jump over small planes, like a horse taking on logs in a gymkhana. After that I’d go fishing at my local lake without even having to get out of my car. If I didn’t catch anything I will surely have picked something up on the bottom of my wheels, although any fish might be a bit mangled by that point. Fish cake anyone?

Of course you could also use a monster truck to ride over your enemies in (an idea from a colleague). I don’t know how that would work in practice but it sure sounds good in theory. All I would need was some enemies and a convincing demeanour; “Seriously guys just wait here for two seconds, I’ll be back shortly. Oh and if you could just lie down in a row that would be really helpful. See you in a minute!” No, somehow I don’t think that would quite work.

Back to reality and you would never really be able to get away with any of this stuff. These days there are so many police and CCTV you can hardly blow your nose never mind go cow hopping in the fields. What I really need, what I REALLY want, is an invisible monster truck!